Fist falls

Fist falls and raindrops. Far, far away the engine toots along. The coming is inevitable. There are a lot of feelings which scare me, but none as much as a yes. I’ve said this to myself over and over again. In the shower, in the muffled sobs in a cold bathroom cubicle, in that mad crying part of my head while I’m smiling at them. But she just doesn’t get it. And it just doesn’t stop. I thought the pain would make the difference, but she doesn’t seem to care anymore. I said forget it, so she filled her head and those filler moments with him and another him and yet another him. It was almost funny how they played out this circus and when the audience danced with the clowns, the masks melted away. Security is a curious thing.

Last night was cooler than what I was used to. And I went walking under the stars. It felt like a different place; one with so many possibilities and palate of hope. I could’ve been anyone and no one would’ve been the wiser. On nights like these I wonder whether I would miss it all, had it turned out any other way. My trusty Cosmo insight says that whenever a woman desperately feels the need for change or just to get out of the rut which she is slowing sinking into, she does one of two things – goes in for a haircut or buys a whole new wardrobe. Funny huh, how the theatre and well, arguably art as a whole seeps into the very fiber of your being and you never even know when it is happening? The masque, the feisty pantomime backdrop for so many staged altercations – it isn’t that far away from what we pride as real. Throw the TV remote aside, scrounge through leftover pizza and fall asleep over a bucket of chocolate ice-cream. TV feels safe, movies in dark cinema halls feel safer and I wrap myself in music when youtube has been exhausted. ‘Willing suspension of disbelief’ penned Coleridge, way ahead of his time. It’s a bit like pop-up books or do-it-yourself mystery stories where you’re carefully threading a puzzled conclusion. The story just jumps out at you, almost challenging and even impertinent. And before you know it, you’re a part of it.